Choice Network Photos of the Week

Photos from the Journey 9/1/13

Definitions of a Mother

Recently during a continuing education training I was given the task of introducing myself. I was up first so I spoke about my career, my schooling, where I was currently living and why I was currently in the adoption field. As the next person and then next began to introduce themselves they began in a totally different way; “Well first, I’m a mother,” the woman next to me chirped. “I’m a mother of two.” the woman next to her informed the crowd, and so on.

As the conversation went around the room people talked at length about their children, stepchildren and grandchildren. They talked about how becoming a parent was a defining role in their lives. They talked about their children’s hobbies, interests, marriages, and social circles. I felt so guilty that as the last volunteer finished their story I had to raise my hand and lamely state that I was also the mom to a one year old and stepmom to an 8 year old.

The woman next to me and smiled and stated I probably forgot to mention it because I was a new mom. As if once you are an “old mom” being a mom would automatically define you.

The comment sat with me for a minute. The last thing I would consider myself is a new mom. Having step parented a very SPIRITED little boy for the past 4 years, I’ve had experience with home work, packing lunches, discipline, unconditional love and support, first days of school, mean friends, grandparent issues, field trips, budgeting for holidays, not to mention all the additional fun stuff only step moms get to experience- entitlement issues, court dates, child finances and ON and ON and ON. Having a biological child in the past year had made me no more experienced as a mother. Nor did it or would it ever define my introduction of myself.

However it did make me feel guilty. Guilty that I could forget to define myself as a mother and not one of the other five definitions I used. The guilt reminded me of conversations had with birth moms I have worked with in the past. Many of them have struggled with the questions “do you have children?” “Are you a mom?” “How many children do you have?” Even just filling out simple medical questionnaires to obtain a new doctor can become a stressful, judgmental experience.

In the social world we live in, being a parent is an important experience. It is a club that means you understand, you have experienced sleepless months, worried about your child’s happiness and development, stressed over your child being bullied, put another human being’s interests before your own and ultimately you have a deep understanding of unconditional love. “you could not understand unless you are a parent” I have heard that phrase often.

Researchers studying the teen mom epidemic have even attributed teen pregnancy in impoverished areas with enhanced social statuses. Several studies have found that women actually seek to become a mother, potentially before they are financially ready, to elevate themselves socially. Once you are a mom, in some social circles, you become a full fledged community member. (http://www.nber.org/papers/w17965)

So for a society obsessed with children, parenting and the American home, where does that leave a mother like me who defines herself in different ways? We are excellent, selfless, loving mothers, we may just define ourselves instead as a great friend, painter or writer. I am a mother but also a student, friend, sister, teacher and learner. All the other amazing things about me that I had described in my introduction.

My guilt at not mentioning my sons showed me that there has to be some subconscious stigma to childlessness or even worse, having the biological capability to be a mom but then choosing a different definition for yourself. At the training, I noticed that I immediately wanted to correct my introduction and be initiated into the group as a mom and fellow parent. I also felt guilty, as if i loved my children less because they were not the first thought in my mind. I cannot imagine that this is true.

What if it was ok that becoming a mother was only a small piece of my story and I could expect to be received equally well whether I gave myself that definition or not? What if I could expect to receive the same respect and social status as the other parents if I mentioned that I had given birth to one child but was parenting two or vice versa. I think these would be are first steps towards removing the stigma our society has as a whole around parenting.

If you like/dislike the blog or want to know how you can contribute your thoughts please contact katie@choicenetworkohio.com or joni@choicenetworkohio.com

10 Days and 10 Ways to Create a More Meaningful Life

Welcome back to the blog! We apologize for the short hiatus, however, today's post is certainly timely. Today's topic is making time for what's important

Prioritizing home, school, work, children, and family life can be overwhelming. A lot of times we are rushing around so much we forget to stop and enjoy a free afternoon or a happy moment with family. Today’s topic is about pausing in the chaos to welcome a moment that we would otherwise miss.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Buddha

Here are five tips on how to be more mindful during times that matter.

5) Only work at work. The Millenial Generation of workers are a group I’m proud to be part of. We are modern, we are tech savvy, we are creative thinkers, we get the job done. What we do terribly is keep a regular or reliable schedule. As part of “getting the job done” we are notorious for answering emails at home, preparing presentations on our ipads while waiting for the bus and closing big work deals at 7:00 p.m. on Fridays. The New York Times called our generation the most “stressed” generation in history and one can only wonder why. While we are closing business deals what we are missing is enjoying our evenings with our kids and families. The best worker is one who is recharged and ready to conquer each day so think of your time away from your computer, ipad or iphone as an investment in the next day's productivity and your own mental health.

4) Create Boundaries- Similar to work boundaries, create boundaries with your family and friends. My friends and I are all social workers and have the same typical complaint. We always attract other people’s problems. Our favorite waiter looked forward to my group coming in on a Friday because he knew he could lay out his week and get support and feedback. My professor used to relay all her complaints during quiet moments after class. Family members would cry to us when they couldn’t pay their rent or had a bad break up. Stop being the only support in a one sided relationship. With your time and mind free you can reinvest in people who reciprocate your needs with theirs and support you unconditionally. For more on these people check out the post on creating your inner circle

3) Build Balance- Balance is not something that just occurs. Just like any challenge in life it is something that is built with time and effort. You have to make time for building balance, just as you make time for any other important chore or task in your daily life. You can create balance through planning. Make a mindful plan to carve out 15 minutes in the morning to eat a home made breakfast instead of running through the drive through. Carve out 45 minutes in the evening to take a walk with your children instead of watching an extra tv show. Create a rule about “no cell phones” at the dinner table. Choose one small technique a week and continue to build to increase balance at home.

2) Ask for help- Asking for help is a tough one. As someone who is used to doing it all and helping others, what you need to realize is that everyone needs help with something sometime. It is not a personal failure or a short coming. Asking for help is actually a characteristic of the strong. Anything great was built with team work- introduce this same concept into your daily life. When you ask for help, what you will find is you have just carved out more time for you to spend meaningfully.

1) Listen- It is so hard to focus on a simple conversation when you have a thousand other things on your mind. It’s so easy to zone out when your child tells you about their day but LISTEN. Listen. Put your cell phone down, step away from the television and listen to the important people in your life. Before there were tvs in cars and texting in lieu of conversations, there were just conversations. Try that simple interaction for a moment and see if it brings you peace.

Photos of the Week

First Choice Network Brothers!

Up, up and away to Florida!

Philadelphia Center

Detroit Michigan Travels

10 Ways in 10 Days to Live a More Meaningful Life- Creating Your Inner Circle

Thank you for your patience with our weekend hiatus. Choice Network staffers had a whirlwind week in Detroit, Philadelphia, Florida and Columbus, which culminated in the birth of a new baby. Happy birthday to our very special birth and adoptive families involved!

Your mom may have told you growing up “if you lay down with dogs you will get fleas,” and annoying as it is, the saying bodes true and actually works in the opposite way as well. Although there isn’t a cute phrase for it, if you surround yourself with the type of people you aspire to be, you will adopt the same positive traits and empower yourself in the process. Positive support networks have been linked to career and financial advancement, mental and personal health and an overall well rounded lifestyle.

This post was inspired as I was recently speaking to a client who mentioned she had an “inner circle” of support in her life. Her inner circle was composed of her longest term, most hardcore friends. These were women she could always depend on to support her during tough times and cheer with her during the great. As she began describing the characteristics of each woman in her circle they had the same positive traits she did; they were intelligent, ambitious and successful.

Creating Your Inner Circle

This immediately made me think “what if everyone had an inner circle?” So many times we see people susceptible to abuse and exploitation because they are marginalized. They lack the key supports to make themselves successful, and worse they may surround themselves with people who are the opposite of who they want to be and those people, although good at heart, bring them down instead of build them up.  

An inner circle can be created organically or it can be made. When we train families we tell them adoption is hard. Adoption can be painful. Adoption can be a long journey. We ask them to find four support people to help them on this journey. What we did not realize is we were actually asking them to build their own inner circle. Here’s who you should have:

The Realist- The realist is the person in your life who has plenty of life experience. He or she will tell you the truth whether it hurts or not. They want the best for you but they will not sugar coat their advice. They can be mistaken as; judgmental, opinionated, and argumentative. They can be; empowering, life affirming, your biggest fan.

My optimist is my wonderful husband and family

The Optimist-  The optimist is like your cheerleader of the group. Whatever you do, they will cheer you on and find the positive to any bad situation. You can tell them anything and know you will walk away feeling relieved and supported. They can be mistaken as; too cheerful, disingenuous, not serious enough. They can be valuable as; your closest confidante, a shoulder to cry on, your silver lining to every gray situation

Tam is a mama of five

The Roots- This person anchors your life or group. She or he may be the “parent” of your friends or they are actually your parent in life. This person is someone who stabilizes you in choppy waters. They remind you of your strengths and focus on your skills to overcome an obstacle. They remind you to stay grounded whenever things feel overwhelming. They are often telling you “don’t make a decision based on emotion” “look at the facts” “you are smart, you can handle this.” They can be mistaken as; too cerebral, too bossy, too set in their ways.  They can be valuable as; a constant source of support, your back up child/pet care when life gets crazy, the person you can call in a crisis

Throwback Companions

The Companion- This person is someone who understands you deeply. They may have grown up with you or in a similar way. They have an understanding and empathy for you that transcends new bonds or relationships. You can call or text them any time about past memories and find peace in reliving old times. They can be mistaken as; irrelevant, old friend, someone who grew in a different direction than you. They can be valuable as; your link to your past, a resource when the present is too stressful, someone who can empathize with you

Check back for more daily tips and affirmations

10 Ways in 10 Days Series- Day 3- Stress Relievers

Welcome to day three of our series to live a more meaningful life. By now if you have been following the series, you have forgiven your wayward mother in law and quit your job…no? Not quite?

Today we will be talking about something much less life changing but life affirming all the same. We will be discussing five things you can do in the week to significantly reduce the stress in your life.

Stress is one of the biggest contributors to burn out and living an unhappy life.  Even as you are enjoying a quiet moment, being subconciously stressed can consistently undermine your peace.

Here are five ways to lower your blood pressure and have a more peaceful week:

5.) Make your work and play space enjoyable. Spend one hour per week organizing your physical workspace. Living and working in a chaotic environment day in and day out may not feel stressful, but your subconscious is picking up on the subtle stress. Spend one hour Friday afternoon organizing your up coming week, cleaning out your old worthless notes and deleting irrelevant files. Do this one hour spring cleaning on your home or car as well. You will be surprised how comforting a clean work desk is to come in to the following Monday morning

Mentally check in to your peaceful place- this is mine

4.) Practice balance in all aspects of life. Too much of a good thing is still always…too much. Our rule is that when something new comes into your life, something old must leave to maintain balance. If you invested in yourself this week and got a new pair Louboutins (jealous) take last season’s favorite pair and donate them to Goodwill or give to a friend. Make enjoyable things more enjoyable by practicing them in moderation.

3.) Find a routine you enjoy. Many people say going to the gym can be cathartic, I am not this person. However, I do acknowledge the benefit of a positive, stress relieving routine. Mine is turning out all the lights in the house and lighting candles. One hour of candlelit chores does something to help me re-focus and center myself. Other positive routines include going for a daily walk, talking with your spouse, gardening, cooking, meditating or visualizing yourself in a serene positive space. Anything that feeds your soul and gives you peace for a few hours.

2.) Remember a time you were successful. Sometimes when stressful situations feel insurmountable it is comforting to remember a time you overcame a struggle and reflect on the personal tools you used to do so. Relive a successful moment- over and over and over.  Remind yourself that you overcame a stressful situation in the past and have the life experience to do it again. One time when I was overwhelmed and at my wits end in my personal life I complained to a social work friend. She asked me to assess the situation. I did and still felt terrible. She asked me to reflect on something “hard” that I had done well. After thinking for a moment I said I felt I was good in my career. If I was great in my work she said, then I have the same tools to be great in other areas of my life. She told me, that you cannot be great in one area of life and terrible in another. The same skills I have at work are ones I can use to simplify my personal life. Any skills that I have used to successfully navigate stressful situations are skills that I can fine tune to use to be successful in every aspect of my life.  

Grateful for long, sunny drives

1) Find daily moments to be grateful as many times as you can. Make it a mental game- every time you would otherwise complain think about the small moment in the otherwise frustrating situation that can be positive or affirming. My son missed the bus today, this is frustrating because now I may be late for work or have to rearrange my schedule- BUT I get ten unstructured minutes in the car with an otherwise busy, hard to pin down guy. I will make these ten minutes together worthwhile and affirming. Make a conscious decision every day to find gratitude in mundane situations and you will be impressed to see the subconscious stress dissipate.

Do you have any tips or tricks we didn’t cover? Please post to our comments section or email to joni@choicenetworkohio.com

10 Days in 10 Ways- Day 2- Investing in Yourself

Welcome to our second tip for living a meaningful life.

Today’s edition, invest in yourself.

At Choice Network, we have the fortune of working with some of the most ambitious families and birth parents in the world. Both adopting and placing a child for adoption takes enormous consideration and forethought. Both of these attributes also take investment and passion to cultivate.

Here are some tips on how to invest in your dreams

Invest in a job you love. Studies have recently emerged stating that when people are in jobs they dislike they are more likely to become sick, suffer from exhaustion, stress and burn out. Consider the fact that you are at work 40-80 hours a week and it’s obvious why an investment in the right career is an investment in your own mental health. If you are struggling to find the right career path try volunteering, returning to your school academic advisor or reaching out to mentors or other people you look up to in careers they are passionate about. The best job advice is to find something you would do for free and then get paid for it!

Invest in a social group- By nature, humans are a highly socialized society. Researchers have recently reported that in addition to levels of happiness and fulfillment, being social can also makes us more intelligent, increase our self esteem and give us a strong feeling of belonging. Research aside what does an investment in others do for you? One, it creates a core support group. A core support group is the best thing to have when you have a rough day, need emergency child care or have another bump or life crisis that momentarily rocks your world. Two, having a core support group exposes you to new opportunities and ideas. Valuable networks when you are living your life meaningfully. Before we approve a home study for a family we require them to join three adoption or kids related community support groups. Some of our favorite social group suggestions are; church, life support groups (like adoptive moms, birth moms etc,) gyms, social clubs and hobby related groups. Check out your local YMCA or Meetup.com for more ideas on how to build your own community network

Invest in yourself- The best thing you can do for yourself is to put the money, time and effort into being the best person you can be. It is often said you cannot be a good partner, parent or child if you aren’t first the best version of yourself, and this has proven to be so true. In a recent study, the Ohio State University noted that under classmen reportedly wanted self esteem over sex, money, alcohol and even friendship. In short, what you invest in yourself with regard to schooling, building good credit, and a strong and positive persona to the world matters. It matters a lot it seems.

Check out Creating Intentions to learn how you can invest more in making the world around you harmonious and peaceful: http://creatingintentions9.com/

Gia's Tips on Bringing Home a New Baby

I have a lot of experience being the coolest older sister, as such, I have a few tips on how to prepare your home for a little sibling.

Gia's Tips

5) Get a BIG SISTER BOOK for your older child. My parents got me “New Baby” by Mercer Mayer. I also like “Babies Don’t Eat Pizza” by Debbie Tilley and “I’m a Big Brother” by Joanna Cole

4) If you have pets, bring a baby blanket home early from the hospital. My Mom and Dad brought home one of the blankets they used to snuggle with Louie in the hospital before he came home and placed it on the ground for our dog, Madden to get used to the smells. It helped him to adjust before our baby brother came home

3) Let me help! I’d love to help stack diapers, hold the baby, and learn to be gentle with the baby. This lets me know I am important and still your first baby!

2) Give me my own big sister gift. The baby is getting an awful lot of stuff that is too small to share…I’d like to remind you that I also like bows, headbands and fancy shoes.

1) Answer my questions!! Why do babies sleep all the time? Why do they poop so much? Why do they only eat milk? No really, why?

Carter’s New Baby Must Buys

0-3 Month Picks

Me at 3 months with my Best G

5) Swaddles. Ok I admit it, I am not one of those easy kind of babies who sleeps through dinners out and only cries when he’s hungry. I have a lot to see and do every day so being rocked to sleep is punishment. Sleep is punishment. Swaddles hold down my arms and legs so I can’t knock the bink out or scare myself with my moro reflex. Important things.

4) Sophie the Giraffe. Sophie is hands down my favorite toy. She is easy to hold and gum and the absolute best part is she squeaks. I don’t know why this is the best part, but believe me it is.

3) Sound Machine- I love the Cloud B Giraffe…Like big love. The awesome thing about sound machines is they give me a sleep routine. At least that’s what my mom thinks. The sound machine comes on and it makes me want to rub my eyes and yawn. Kinda annoying actually

I don't sleep much, but when I do it's because of Cloud B

2) Bink/Paci/Foofie- whatever you call it, I like it. My mom also says it reduces SIDs  which I guess is a good thing. Some binks also improve oral development as well as help create excess saliva which have natural antacid properties to help with spit up. Yuck.

1) Hats and Accessories. Duh. 

Accessories duh.

Gia’s Top 5 Adoption Stories for Chosen Kids and Their Birth and Adoptive Families

5) Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born- Jamie Lee Curtis

4) I Wished for You- Marianne Richmond

3) A Blessing from Above- Patti Henderson

2) We Belong Together- Todd Parr

1) Wherever You Are my Love Will Find You- Nancy Tillman

                 (Gia on the left and her biological sister making edits to the blog)

10 ways in 10 days to Live a More Meaningful Life- Forgiving and Accepting

At Choice Network one of our goals this year is to have a holistic approach to training and supporting families. I cannot tell you how many times I left a family’s home after a training or an audit, thinking that the family I had just met with had inadvertently given me a bit of wisdom that I could pass on in my own home. A small bit of peace. A tiny piece of introspection.

From our holistic approach, we decided to create a series of blog posts on self improvement. For the first of the series, we will discuss living life peacefully and meaningfully through forgiveness. Although peace can be defined in a variety of ways, for our purposes we will define peace as living happily, in harmony and in a positive manner.

A social worker I used to work with often said; “happiness is not dependent on whether the sun is shining or it is raining outside, happiness is something you create from within.” Similarly Constellation Therapy would say peace is a feeling you build- like a house. Peace, Gestalt therapists would further say, comes from unconditional acceptance and forgiveness. From these principles we broke down a few tips for achieving this:

Peace through Forgiveness- Although this can often be the hardest thing to do, forgiving someone who wronged you, a negative life circumstance or an unfortunate experience is a great way to achieve peace. Forgiving yourself and others is ultimately a freeing act for the forgiver. When you forgive, you automatically give yourself the power to accept a situation and move forward with new wisdom.

Forgiving yourself- forgiving yourself means that you accept that you made the best decision you could with the limited resources you had at the time.  It is so easy to analyze situations and recreate scenarios where an outcome could have been different but the truth is time can only move forward. Forgiving yourself and embracing your life experience means that you will not use the experience as a crutch for why you cannot live your best life and instead will use it as a beneficial experience.

Forgiving others- have you ever heard the saying “resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die?” This sentiment is true also for forgiveness. Forgiving others means that you accept that sometimes people do not have the skills, sense, or thoughtfulness to avoid hurting others. There are times in life when you will come across people who cannot or will not apologize for their negative actions. What’s worse is these people can often be defensive or seemingly unfazed by the negativity their actions cause.

I was counseling a husband and wife once on a negative family member who continuously became involved in their lives. Although the family had set appropriate boundaries and limited negative interactions, their frustration peaked when the family member sued them in court for time with their children. The family members were sick with anger and frustration at having to lose work time, provide child care for their children to go to court and rearrange their lives to deal with this family member, who clearly could not respect boundaries. The anger was eating them alive.

Instead of forgiving the family member for their misguided attempt to be wanted, they turned inwardly. They blamed each other for the misfortune and their lives began to revolve around the rogue family member’s actions.  Hatred became a cancer that ate and decayed their marriage. When they were able to forgive and accept was when they were able to sleep at night

You will not often receive a bouquet of flowers or tears of apology from someone who has wronged you. The good news is, you do not need that to forgive them. Forgiveness, fortunately, comes from inside. What the above family did was set a date on their calendars. After a specific date they were done speaking in anger about this particular family member. Instead of anger, they felt compassion and empathy. It was a simple moment of clarity to learn that this person was flawed in their own way but the former methods of banishing and ignoring were not effective and in fact were destructive.

Acceptance- In constellation therapy we ask ourselves- who is the person acting out the most? Go to that person and include them, if not physically, then spiritually. To accept and forgive is to spiritually tell yourself that you will take anything good that person gave you physically, emotionally or spiritually and leave all the bad. In this case the family member gave the family a recipe they loved. Every time they made the recipe they reflected on positive times. Any time the family member did something negative they brought themselves back to the mantra that they are only accepting the good and not taking on the burden of the bad- they could leave that burden with the wayward family member.  

Without the ability to forgive another person, we are silently injuring ourselves.  Anger seeps into every part of our lives. Studies have even been done to show when we are angry subtle physical changes occur such as raised blood pressure levels, and stomach issues- our bodies physiologically remain in fight or flight mode all day and night. 

Another down side is, when we are labeling ourselves as a victim we silently give ourselves permission to live below our own expectations. We allow ourselves to eat poorly because we are stressed, fight with our spouse because we are anxious and raise our voices to our children because we are consumed with angry feelings.

Having the ability and power to forgive is a foundation for living a beautiful, fulfilled life. As Gandhi once said:  

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." Gandhi

Look out for Post 2 of our 10 post series on Living  a More Meaningful Life

February Spotlight

Happy February to everyone! It is amazing how quickly this chilly (to say the least) month went by! If you follow us on Facebook you will have seen what an incredibly busy month we have had, and in case you don't, we are proud to announce that with 4 placements (all in the third week of January) we have hit an all time agency record! Such an achievement would not be possible without the selfless choices of the birth mothers, the open hearts of the adoptive families, and the tireless work of the staff of Choice Network.  This brings us to our February spotlight, Joni Ogle!

"I love that I can have the freedom and time to spend with a family as their experience and understanding of adoption grows and changes and I love being able to advocate for a family in order to watch their dream of expanding their family come true." - Joni

Joni has been with Choice Network since the beginning and her dedication and reliability to the women and families she serves has never waned. Joni has consistently been a source of support, understanding and resource to everyone she encounters, even going so far as to work full time up until 2 days before delivering her son Carter Matthew on November 2, 2012.  We want to honor Joni for all of the work she has and continues to do, especially in this, her first month back to work since maternity leave, and she didn't miss a step coming back.  So cheers to Joni and all of the invaluable work that she does!

Do you have a story about some of the great work that Joni has done? Tell us about it on our Facebook page or email it to us at choicenetworkohio@gmail.com!

January Spotlght

Happy New Year to all of our Choice Networks supporters! We have had such an incredible last few months meeting with new clinics excited to offer our services on site, new families ready to begin their adoption journey, and new expectant women who are making the choice of adoption! Because of all of the great successes we had in 2012 thanks to the many partnerships we have cultivated, we would like to start a new tradition going into 2013 of highlighting members of the Choice Network family that have gone above and beyond our expectations to bringing a true choice to women.

Molly with Amanda and Jennifer

In late December we had the pleasure of meeting with Amanda and Jennifer. Although Choice Network has been working with these women for a while now, this was a great opportunity for us to get to see all of the amazing staff and the hard work they do. These women work tirelessly to provide services, counseling, and choice to women experiencing unexpected pregnancy.

This month we have chosen to shine our blog spotlight on Jennifer.  She has worked (what seems around the clock) assisting women as the Bilingual Senior Counselor for nearly two years. Each time we have met with Jennifer we are greeted with a warm smile and a confident answer to any question.  Jennifer has a wonderful approach with the women she serves. Often times while speaking to women that she has referred to us, they take a moment to speak her praises. The hard work she does, the many referrals she sends our way, and the lasting impression she leaves on clientele and coworkers alike are a true testament to the type of person she is. This is why Jennifer has been selected for the first Choice Network Spotlight for 2013!

We appreciate both of these women and the way in which they are spreading the word and work of Choice Network, which is why we wanted to take a moment introduce them to all of you, our blog followers.

 If you have any questions for these ladies, please feel free to email us your questions at choicenetworkohio@gmail.com.

Wishing everyone the happiest 2013!