Choice Network Photos of the Week

Photos from the Journey 9/1/13

Definitions of a Mother

Recently during a continuing education training I was given the task of introducing myself. I was up first so I spoke about my career, my schooling, where I was currently living and why I was currently in the adoption field. As the next person and then next began to introduce themselves they began in a totally different way; “Well first, I’m a mother,” the woman next to me chirped. “I’m a mother of two.” the woman next to her informed the crowd, and so on.

As the conversation went around the room people talked at length about their children, stepchildren and grandchildren. They talked about how becoming a parent was a defining role in their lives. They talked about their children’s hobbies, interests, marriages, and social circles. I felt so guilty that as the last volunteer finished their story I had to raise my hand and lamely state that I was also the mom to a one year old and stepmom to an 8 year old.

The woman next to me and smiled and stated I probably forgot to mention it because I was a new mom. As if once you are an “old mom” being a mom would automatically define you.

The comment sat with me for a minute. The last thing I would consider myself is a new mom. Having step parented a very SPIRITED little boy for the past 4 years, I’ve had experience with home work, packing lunches, discipline, unconditional love and support, first days of school, mean friends, grandparent issues, field trips, budgeting for holidays, not to mention all the additional fun stuff only step moms get to experience- entitlement issues, court dates, child finances and ON and ON and ON. Having a biological child in the past year had made me no more experienced as a mother. Nor did it or would it ever define my introduction of myself.

However it did make me feel guilty. Guilty that I could forget to define myself as a mother and not one of the other five definitions I used. The guilt reminded me of conversations had with birth moms I have worked with in the past. Many of them have struggled with the questions “do you have children?” “Are you a mom?” “How many children do you have?” Even just filling out simple medical questionnaires to obtain a new doctor can become a stressful, judgmental experience.

In the social world we live in, being a parent is an important experience. It is a club that means you understand, you have experienced sleepless months, worried about your child’s happiness and development, stressed over your child being bullied, put another human being’s interests before your own and ultimately you have a deep understanding of unconditional love. “you could not understand unless you are a parent” I have heard that phrase often.

Researchers studying the teen mom epidemic have even attributed teen pregnancy in impoverished areas with enhanced social statuses. Several studies have found that women actually seek to become a mother, potentially before they are financially ready, to elevate themselves socially. Once you are a mom, in some social circles, you become a full fledged community member. (http://www.nber.org/papers/w17965)

So for a society obsessed with children, parenting and the American home, where does that leave a mother like me who defines herself in different ways? We are excellent, selfless, loving mothers, we may just define ourselves instead as a great friend, painter or writer. I am a mother but also a student, friend, sister, teacher and learner. All the other amazing things about me that I had described in my introduction.

My guilt at not mentioning my sons showed me that there has to be some subconscious stigma to childlessness or even worse, having the biological capability to be a mom but then choosing a different definition for yourself. At the training, I noticed that I immediately wanted to correct my introduction and be initiated into the group as a mom and fellow parent. I also felt guilty, as if i loved my children less because they were not the first thought in my mind. I cannot imagine that this is true.

What if it was ok that becoming a mother was only a small piece of my story and I could expect to be received equally well whether I gave myself that definition or not? What if I could expect to receive the same respect and social status as the other parents if I mentioned that I had given birth to one child but was parenting two or vice versa. I think these would be are first steps towards removing the stigma our society has as a whole around parenting.

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