Interview with a Birthmom

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” Ancient Chinese Proverb

 A lot of times when adoptive families first begin to think about adoption they wonder: who is a typical birth parent? What does a birth mother look like? Is she typically Caucasian, African American, Hispanic? Is she typically young or old? Is she typically religious or not? 

The truth to this question is that we do not know.  While there is plenty of data surrounding women who choose abortion and women who parent, women who select adoption are harder to characterize. Because of the variety of adoption plans in the United States (attorney versus agency, facilitator versus state) it is nearly impossible to have a complete statistic on those most likely to become birth parents. We have some educated guesses about these women though.  91% of the women Choice Network worked with in the past had aspirations to complete an educational or professional goal at the time they placed their child.  100% felt choosing to place their child was done for the benefit of the child. 53% were already parenting other children. 87% had completed some college at the time they placed their child. On average a Choice Network woman is 24 years old.

To get a closer look at a birth mother, we asked some of our clients if they would feel comfortable giving an interview about themselves and their adoption journey. Several were open to this and willing to share their thoughts and feelings on the subject. One client, currently a mother of two, gave us the following interview:

CN: How did you find Choice Network? 

I got a UTI and went to the hospital. During the exam, the nurse asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I guess she ran a routine test. I thought she was lying and said "no way." After that I called the clinic.

CN: And by the clinic you mean an abortion clinic?

Yes.

CN: How far were you in your pregnancy at that time?

Well when they did the ultrasound I found out I was almost 20 weeks. I could have done the procedure, but not being that far. My family was already disappointed when I told them I was going to have an abortion, but I didn't care. I knew I couldn't have another child in my house. I had too much on my plate already. I thought, this person inside of me is...almost grown. I didn't know if I could have the abortion.

CN: So what made you think adoption was a good option?

When I couldn't do the abortion I thought about my little cousin who was adopted. I know she brought my aunt and uncle a lot of joy. I decided I would have to put this child's feelings in front of mine.

CN: When did you choose your adoptive family?

It was right around Christmas. I saw a few books and picked this family. They had two adopted children already, so I knew when the time came to discuss adoption my child wouldn't feel left out. I really connected with Brandon (adopted father). I loved Trina too, but when we met, Brandon and I could talk about everything together. It was just easy. I knew they were the right family for this child... After I met them, I just started to feel like I was doing the right thing for them- carrying this child so they could have the family they wanted.

CN: What was the hardest part of the adoption journey?

Telling my mom. Without a doubt. I sometimes wish I could go back and not have told her. She only put her feelings before mine. She nagged me all the time that adoption was the wrong decision. She was just being a brat. She wanted to take the baby and raise her. She wasn't thinking about my feelings, only her own. 

CN: How is your relationship with your mom today? 

I think it's better. She told me the other day that she was proud of me and I was shocked! I think because she got to meet the family and the child that she finally realized I did the right thing.  I did the right thing for my children and myself. 

CN: What advice would you give another woman in a similar situation regarding abortion, adoption or parenting?

I can't really give advice except do what you want to do. Don't listen to advice or opinions of other people or else you are going to feel regret. It's important to make your own decision.

The Future of Open Adoption

The future of true open adoption, check out this Daily Show special interview:

Open adoption benefits families and children

"There was joy in the fact that I knew this child was going to know me and also that she had an absolutely wonderful family."