Another 16 and Pregnant Star Loses their Child

The scary side of MTV's 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom

Our social workers at Choice Network have had alternating moments of love and hate towards the ultra popular MTV shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. On the one hand, any shows about unplanned pregnancy raise awareness about the issue. On the other hand, because of the glamor and appeal that surrounds the popular network station, many teenagers have a very unrealistic view of pregnancy and parenting.

In a 2010 court report, Amber Portwood, one of the stars of Teen Mom, revealed that she makes $280,000 per year from the show. While the show does not characterize her as wealthy, it is apparent she does not need to rely on employment, budgeting, or social services as the majority of teenagers in similar situations must. All of the Teen Moms are shown purchasing new cars, renting beautiful apartments, traveling and getting cosmetic surgery.

What is the reality about teen moms? According to stayteen.org:

-Only one-third of adolescent mothers will graduate high school, and only slightly over 1 percent of those will earn a college degree before they turn 30.

-Two-thirds of families begun by a young unmarried mother are poor. More than half of all mothers on welfare had their first child as a teenager.

-Daughters of teen moms are three times more likely to become teenage mothers themselves. The sons of teen moms are two times more likely to end up in prison.

-Eight out of ten fathers in cases of teen pregnancy don't marry the mother of their child, and these absent fathers pay less than $800 annually for child support.

-Children who live apart from their fathers are also five times more likely to be poverty striken than children with both parents at home.

The real teen moms of the world are less glamorous than MTV would have you believe.

Interview with a Birthmom

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.” Ancient Chinese Proverb

 A lot of times when adoptive families first begin to think about adoption they wonder: who is a typical birth parent? What does a birth mother look like? Is she typically Caucasian, African American, Hispanic? Is she typically young or old? Is she typically religious or not? 

The truth to this question is that we do not know.  While there is plenty of data surrounding women who choose abortion and women who parent, women who select adoption are harder to characterize. Because of the variety of adoption plans in the United States (attorney versus agency, facilitator versus state) it is nearly impossible to have a complete statistic on those most likely to become birth parents. We have some educated guesses about these women though.  91% of the women Choice Network worked with in the past had aspirations to complete an educational or professional goal at the time they placed their child.  100% felt choosing to place their child was done for the benefit of the child. 53% were already parenting other children. 87% had completed some college at the time they placed their child. On average a Choice Network woman is 24 years old.

To get a closer look at a birth mother, we asked some of our clients if they would feel comfortable giving an interview about themselves and their adoption journey. Several were open to this and willing to share their thoughts and feelings on the subject. One client, currently a mother of two, gave us the following interview:

CN: How did you find Choice Network? 

I got a UTI and went to the hospital. During the exam, the nurse asked me if I knew I was pregnant. I guess she ran a routine test. I thought she was lying and said "no way." After that I called the clinic.

CN: And by the clinic you mean an abortion clinic?

Yes.

CN: How far were you in your pregnancy at that time?

Well when they did the ultrasound I found out I was almost 20 weeks. I could have done the procedure, but not being that far. My family was already disappointed when I told them I was going to have an abortion, but I didn't care. I knew I couldn't have another child in my house. I had too much on my plate already. I thought, this person inside of me is...almost grown. I didn't know if I could have the abortion.

CN: So what made you think adoption was a good option?

When I couldn't do the abortion I thought about my little cousin who was adopted. I know she brought my aunt and uncle a lot of joy. I decided I would have to put this child's feelings in front of mine.

CN: When did you choose your adoptive family?

It was right around Christmas. I saw a few books and picked this family. They had two adopted children already, so I knew when the time came to discuss adoption my child wouldn't feel left out. I really connected with Brandon (adopted father). I loved Trina too, but when we met, Brandon and I could talk about everything together. It was just easy. I knew they were the right family for this child... After I met them, I just started to feel like I was doing the right thing for them- carrying this child so they could have the family they wanted.

CN: What was the hardest part of the adoption journey?

Telling my mom. Without a doubt. I sometimes wish I could go back and not have told her. She only put her feelings before mine. She nagged me all the time that adoption was the wrong decision. She was just being a brat. She wanted to take the baby and raise her. She wasn't thinking about my feelings, only her own. 

CN: How is your relationship with your mom today? 

I think it's better. She told me the other day that she was proud of me and I was shocked! I think because she got to meet the family and the child that she finally realized I did the right thing.  I did the right thing for my children and myself. 

CN: What advice would you give another woman in a similar situation regarding abortion, adoption or parenting?

I can't really give advice except do what you want to do. Don't listen to advice or opinions of other people or else you are going to feel regret. It's important to make your own decision.

The Future of Open Adoption

The future of true open adoption, check out this Daily Show special interview:

Open adoption benefits families and children

"There was joy in the fact that I knew this child was going to know me and also that she had an absolutely wonderful family."

Top 5 Things You Should Ask Your Adoption Professional

As an agency that works with women choosing adoption, abortion and parenting, our social workers often come in contact with women who have previously chosen each of the above options. Using their feedback we compiled a list of great questions to ask your adoption professional if you are a birth parent considering creating an adoption plan. 

5. What Makes you an Adoption Expert? This seems like a no brainer- however, with the ever evolving climate around social services it is always important to ask your social service worker what their background and skill set is. We often see in the adoption world that when a woman announces she is pregnant and considering adoption, she can be swarmed by well intended family members and friends who know a friend, who knows an attorney, who knows a social worker who knows a couple from church, who has considered adoption. This networking was an awesome way in previous decades to make a match between a birth parent and an adoptive family. Today, however, we have much more sophisticated methods for finding the perfect match.

Just last year, we had a client come to Choice Network. She stated she was considering adoption but wanted "truly awesome" prospective adoptive family. She wanted her child to be bilingual and she wanted nothing short of "two astronauts." We matched her and her infant with an adoption family that had two bilingual NASA engineers.

Today, the birth family has a right and obligation to find the perfect adoptive family for their children. As a birth parent, you have the right to request face to face interviews, references, and profiles on the families you are selecting from.

If you have a right to ask this of your adoptive applicants, you have the same right to ask this of your Adoption Professional. Some great questions to ask: What licensure do you hold? What brought you to adoption work? How many years have you worked in this field? And most importantly...What makes you an adoption expert?

4. What kind of Adoption Plans Does Your Agency Facilitate? In the United States, there are three recognized forms of adoption. Open Adoption, Semi-Open Adoption and Closed Adoption. Open Adoption is everything from in person visits between the birth family and adoptive family to the exchange of photos, letters, cards and names. In an open adoption the birth parents (with the help of a social worker) usually selects and interviews the adoptive family. Sometimes the adoptive and birth families decide on a name for the child together, share an e-mail account to facilitate picture shares and maintain a connection sometimes beyond or outside of the facilitation done by an attorney or adoption agency.

Semi Open Adoption involves sharing first names, medical histories and other very limited but pertinent information. This information share can be similar to an open adoption in that you are sharing cards, letters and photos- but is limited to non identifying information. Usually a social worker or attorney will facilitate the exchange of the information to maintain the confidentiality on both the side of the adoptive family and the birth family. Semi Open Adoption is a great option for birth families who want to remain in control of their own privacy during the process, but still want to remain informed on how the child is progressing and blossoming in the care of their adoptive family.

Meanwhile Closed Adoption would be an adoption professional, such as an attorney, securing the match without ever having any information shared between parties. The birth family would not select the family, and the adoptive family would have no information on the birth family as well.

At Choice Network, we only operate Open and Semi Open adoptions. We feel that when you look at adoption as a lifelong process, and not a singular act, only the above two facilitation processes allow for healing.  A birth family may feel today that they don't need to know about the child, but the wonderful aspect of open adoption and semi open adoption is that if they decide they want a more open relationship in five years, the pictures, letters and updates will be waiting and available for them through the agency.

Conversely, when you look at the life of a child, the three most prevalent questions adoptive children have surrounding their adoptions are: 1) Why did my birth family choose adoption for me?, 2) Is my birth family ok today?, and 3) What do my birth parents look like? All of these questions can be answered in the most truthful and respectful way with Open and Semi Open adoptions.

If your agency or attorney operates all three or only one or two, ask them why they made this decision and what adoption plan they feel would be best for you considering your expectations of the adoption process.

3. Can I Speak With a Former Birth Parent Who Used Your Services? Remember when you first met your favorite teacher or coach and you wanted to tell everyone about them? Remember the first session you had with an excellent therapist who really "got you?" We've found adoption services are no different. If you've had a supportive adoption social worker, many times you will be happy to advocate, volunteer and give support back to the agency. Your adoption worker should have several birth parent references and should be able to link you with a former client that can give you an honest assessment of their interactions with the agency or attorney.

2. What Happens After I Place with Your Agency? This is one of the most important questions you can ask your agency or attorney. The biggest emotional let down a birth family can receive is believing their attorney or adoption advocate will provide ongoing services, only to find this to be untrue. Ask your adoption professional: what support will you give me one week after I place my infant, one month after I place my infant and five years after I place my infant with your agency? Can I call or email whenever I need updates? What kind of aftercare or support have you provided your birth families in the past? Their answers may surprise you or put you at ease in deciding to work with them.

1. What Kind of Training do You Give Your Adoptive Families? This is an excellent question to ask your adoption professional. Working in adoptions, we believe two things determine whether an adoption agency is excellent or mediocre. One is how much support they provide their birth families. The other is how much education and support they offer their adoptive families.

Many large, national adoption agencies work with hundreds of couples at a time. Families are assigned individual reading assignments, or asked to fill out independent questionnaires to comprise their adoption knowledge to pass state training requirements. The focus of these agencies is less on making the adoptive applicants completely ready- mind, body and soul, to expand their family- but more or less to get through the bureaucracy to the placement.

Choice Network is completely different. Our families go through a boot camp training process in which we hold their hands through completing the initial application, to the home study, to the post placement visits. Through out this all we provide one on one training and counseling on cultural diversity, adoption related issues, separation and loss and other key topics. We work intensively with our families through therapy, counseling, training and education to ensure we know our adoptive families inside and out. We can therefore be confident that each profile we present to our birth parents is screened to be exactly what our birth family is looking for. We have 100% confidence that each family we work with is completely ready to bring a new child into their family.

Now that we've posted our list of suggestions, if you're a birth family, adoption expert or adoptive family, what are some you may have?

A Few Thoughts...

"He said if the baby looks like him, he's the Dad. If he doesn't than he's not the Dad. I said think whatever you want." Claudia, 15

As Americans, we feel we live in one of the most advanced societies. We have a sophisticated form of government, we value personal rights and have a strong sense of social justice. We would never condone or accept the outright violation of human life that occurs through female infanticide- a stagnate trend in China and India. However, are we really more advanced when it comes to the rights of women and children in the face of an unplanned pregnancy?

Although our rates of infanticide are significantly smaller in America, we have a different, yet still insidious trend regarding unplanned pregnancies. In America, we have a culture of young adults whose only experience with sex education, prenatal care and child rearing revolves around what they learned through MTV's 16 and Pregnant. Young men are not taught or encouraged to parent and young girls are not taught the value of protecting themselves from an early unplanned pregnancy.

What is the result of these trends? In the United States in 2006, there was $4.6 billion in outstanding child support owed to women by men.  As of 2011, 40% of single mothers in Illinois were reportedly living in poverty. According to the US Census, 23% of single mothers rely on one or more social welfare supports.

In a five year study which followed families experiencing a pregnancy that occurred out of wedlock, Kathryn Edin found that women and children are the most negatively impacted by these recent trends. Women, she found, are often forced into single parenthood once fathers fall out of the lives of their children. In her exhaustive study she finds single mothers are more likely to experience depression, use and abuse illegal substances and are less likely to be financially independent. In a study done by George Brown, these women are twice as likely as married women to experience depression and poverty.

In an interview with PBS, Edin states: "Now, it's not that the mother doesn't count on the father. She hopes and plans for him to be involved in her child's life, irrespective of whether he continues to be involved with her. But the way it works out, the couple has problems, the father drifts away; the woman ends up bearing the sole emotional and financial cost of the child. That, by the way, is a really bad deal for women."

Children are the second most impacted. In her studies, Edin found that single mothers are more likely, due to stress and frustration, to use punitive forms of discipline as punishment. This can result in aggression in children and is particularly prevalent in boys. Additionally, children in a single parent home were less cognitively advanced than other children being raised in a two parent home. In a study done by George Brown for the Cambridge Journal, single mothers were twice as likely to work full time, yet live in poverty than their married counterparts. What these studies show are that single mothers are able to spend less time parenting, while spending more time working- both of which seriously impact the lives of their children and themselves.

Yet the stigma of contraceptives, abortion and adoption still remain. American society maintains that "good women" struggle. Good women, our society posits, accept the total liability and responsibility for parenting unplanned pregnancies. Good mothers work two jobs, go to school part time and martyr themselves to produce future generations.

In a society where it is so easy for men to opt out of the parental role, it is important for women to get informed of their rights and understand that contraceptives, abortion and adoption, while not always the most natural decision, can still be great alternatives to an unexpected crisis.

Good mothers have abortions. Good mothers choose adoption. Good mothers know all their options and advocate for themselves.